Funny Meta Shit on the Internet

Probably the shittiest dad joke I've ever heard

Mom: honey, the can opener is broken, can you help me?

Dad: guess you can call it a can't opener.

I was sitting on the toilet, angry and late for work.

I was thinking, " I don't have time for this shit!".

A mother shark is teaching her young one how to eat humans.....

"First, you go straight at them and then you circle them. You go straight at them again and circle them again. Finally, you go straight at them and then you eat them"

"But, mom, why can't I just eat them the first time around?"

"Well, I suppose you can, but why would you want to eat them with all the shit still inside?"

A nurse takes a rectal thermometer out of her pocket.

She says, "Shit, some arsehole has my pen!"

I asked my boss if I can have the day off due to severe constipation

He said no because I'm full of shit

Whenever I have diarrhea, my roommate gets constipated

When I told him this, he said, 'Are you kidding me?'.

I said, 'I shit you not.'

Mind Your Words...

In a packed auditorium, a hypnotist hypnotized the whole audience with a Pendulum.
Suddenly, the Pendulum fell down.
He said "SHIT"...
It took 3 Days to clean the whole auditorium...

My mutant power

professor x: Whats your mutant power

me: I can guess how many pulls to turn a ceiling fan off on the first try [points up] two pulls

professor x: [Stands up and pulls twice] not bad, but not a power

me: I'm kidding i can heal paraplegics

professor x: [Still standing] holy shit

You know if you Poo on the toilet at 11:59 pm...

then at 12:01 am, its just the same shit , different day.....

Hitler is sitting in hell with Stalin and Satan chatting...

Satan asks them if either of them have any regrets.

Hitler: You know, I do.

Stalin + Satan: Really?!?!

Hitler: Yea, you know if I could do it all over again, I'd kill 6 million jews and a dog.

Satan: What?

Stalin: Why a dog?

Hitler: See! I told you no one gives a shit about the jews!

A Christian once asked me if I had found Jesus...

I said "holy shit, you guys lost him again?"

You can explore shit tiles reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean shit shat dad jokes. There are also shit puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.

My new party trick...

I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together.

I shit you knot.

What's similar between a pregnant 15 year old girl and the fetus inside of her?

They're both thinking; "oh shit my mom's gonna kill me"

I was installing a light in the attic today, when I slipped off a joist and put my foot right through the bedroom ceiling. It scared the shit out of my girlfriend.

I'm not surprised though, she kicked me out last August.

What's the difference between 100,000 political jokes and a kid falling off a bike.

I still laugh every time I see a kid fall off a bike....
(For real this shit just ain't funny anymore fellas.)

Why don't people like to hit a Trump Pinata?

Because they know it's full of shit.

What's the difference between a northern and a southern fairytale?

A northeren fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins"Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."

I've been taking care of my elderly grandfather and he asked me to come tie his shoes while he was on the toilet

I said, "you can't be serious"

He said, "I shit, you knot"

I lost my sense of taste and think I have COVID!!!!

Oh shit. It's just Bud Light, I'm ok.

One time i was at a bar

A lady asked me if alcoholics run in my family

i said "No but they stumble around and break shit"

A roman soldier was looking at his shadow

"Oh shit, I'm late!"

Guy dies and goes to hell.

Satan meets him and tells him he's got to pick between 2 rooms. They go into the first room, and it's full of people standing on their heads on a marble floor. He takes him to the second room, and it's full of people sitting in an 18-inch deep layer of shit, drinking coffee. Guy figures that he likes coffee, and he'll get used to the smell, so he chooses the second room. He gets a cup of coffee, sits down and takes a sip. At that moment, Satan sticks his head back in the room and calls out Ok, everybody. Coffee break's over. Back on your heads!

My housemates are full of shit.

Refusing to pay rent, making up excuses about hauntings.

I've lived here for hundreds of years. Not seen a single ghost.

Marriage is like a fart

If you force it, it's shit.

What's the difference between a sniper with bad eyesight and a constipated owl?

One shoots but doesn't hit and the other hoots but doesn't shit.

People tell me we should be preserving endangered species.

But you offer someone a jar of your pickled panda and they lose their shit.

Arguing against an idiot is like playing chess against a pigeon

You strategically think of all the moves and you have the intelligence to win, but they will just shit on all the pieces and then strut around as if they'd won

Which insect is the best at what it does?

Most people think ants or bees, but ya know...flies have really been on top of shit lately

Brother's acting all high and mighty now that he has COVID

Thinks his shit don't stink

Three men on a bike

Three men were travelling on the same bike when they were caught by a policeman.
"Don't you know it's illegal for more than 2 people to travel on a bike? Why are there three of you?"

"Three?! Shit, where's James?!"

Roses are dead, Violets are dead

I'm shit at gardening.

I met my wife at the zoo.

The moment I saw her there, dressed head to toe in khaki and covered in animal shit, I knew she was a keeper.

I once ate a wool scarf.

I shit ewe knot.

Three nuns are talking.

The first nun says, you would never believe what i discovered.

Intrigued, the other to signal her to continue. " i found a phone in the priests room." said the first nun.

oh that's nothing." said the second one, "i found condoms in one of his drawers." said the second one.

" what did u do with them?" said the first nun.

The second nun responds with pride ," I poked **holes** in all of them."

The third nun screams, oh shit..."

A man gets pulled over for swerving

Officer says, "sir do you know why I pulled you over?"

*"I have no clue". The man replied.*

"Have you been drinking, sir?"

*"Not any alcoholic drinks, officer".*

"Then what is that in your cup holder?"

"*that's a half-drank Smirnoff Ice.*"

"I thought you said you didn't drink any alcohol tonight?"

"*No, officer. I said I haven't had any "alcoholic drinks". All of my friends are alcoholics and not a single one of them drinks that shit."*

OC

Did you hear about the swear word ranking ceremony?

Shit went down

I was taking a shit, when it hit me...

Kinda sucks, being an astronaut.

Why don't blind people go skydiving?

It scares the shit out of their dogs.

Constipation

Same shit different day

My friend said he saw a nocturnal mammal defecate in a French River

I told him that's bat shit in Seine

I asked my daughter if she knew what today was.

To my suprise she said presidents day.

I asked her if she knew why we celebrate presidents day.

She said that its the day the president walks out of the white house and if he sees his shadow we have one more year of bull shit.

Me: Mom, this is my girlfriend

Mom: Do you actually want to date this useless piece of shit?

Me: Ma, she is a very nice person!

Mom: I wasn't talking to you.

I'll never forget the last words my uncle said to me before he passed...

"Stop shaking the ladder, you little shit!"

Did you hear about the guy who mixed up sandpaper and toilet paper?

His woodworking looked like shit.

Pavlov walks into a bar

Pavlov walks into a bar. He hears the cash register ring and he says:

"Shit, I forgot to feed my dogs."

I Think My Toilet Has Anger Issues

Whenever I flush it, it completely loses its shit.

Kick me out after this one

So if you go for a shit at 11:59pm and you still on it at 12:01am does that literally mean it's same shit different day?

Genie: You get one wish.

Me: I wish for mor-

Genie: No wishing for more wishes.

Me:

Genie:

Me: I wish for more genies.

Genie: Holy shit.

All the new genies: Holy shit.

My sexy neighbor told me her underwear keeps going missing from her clothes line and that shes going to report it to the police.

I almost shit her pants

I once had to pretend that i was taking a shit, so I dropped a bottle of soap in the toilet

It was a shampoo.

I beat a chess grandmaster in only three moves

Turns out he's pretty shit at karate.

I've realised that I can speak to the dead

A shame really, since they can't hear me for shit

I was very proud of myself today.

I ate a kid's meal at McDonald's.

His mom beat the shit out of me.

One day a teacher was reading the story of the three little pigs to her class

She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building material for his home.

She read, . . . And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, 'Pardon me sir, but may i have some of that straw to build a house?'

The teacher paused, then asked the class, And what do you think that man said?

One little boy raised his hand and said, I think he said, 'HOLY SHIT! A TALKING PIG!?!'

Take good care of your ass

It's your only body part that gives a shit

I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said, "Morning."

He replied, "No, just having a shit."

Word of the day...Exhaustipated (adj)

Too tired to give a shit.

Give a man a cake and he will eat it

Give a reddittor a cake and he will farm the ever lasting shit out of it

My friend regularly takes anti-diarrhea pills and claims it increases his work productivity, due to reduced trips to the restroom daily.

I think he's full of shit.

I was sitting on an automatic toilet when it malfunctioned and abruptly flushed underneath me…

Scared the shit outta me.

My wife hates it when I quote old movies incorrectly

But frankly, my dear, I don't give a shit!

Knock knock

-Knock knock

-Who's there?

-Grandpa!

-Oh shit, stop the funeral!

(Gary Delaney joke)

A married couple is fighting

A married couple is fighting when the wife says, I don't want you in this house anymore, pack your shit and get out. Husband starts packing as the wife is still nagging him. The husband opens the door to leave and just as he is walking out the wife says, I hope you die a slow and painful death you son of a bitch . The husband stops and says, I don't understand, do you want me to stay

Cardboard is a lot like 1-ply toilet paper. It's not really good at absorbing,

But it's really good at moving shit around.

My grief counselor just died

He was so good, I didn't give a shit.

I sold some baby laxative to a junkie and told him it was cocaine...!!

The next day he told me that was the best shit he ever had!!

Two conspiracy theorists die and go to heaven...

God: welcome to the St. Peter's Gates. With my omniscient knowledge, I can tell you anything you wish to know.

Conspiracy Theorist 1: Who won the 2020 US Presidential Election?

God: Joseph R. Biden

Conspiracy Theorist 2: \*Looks at his friend\* shit dude, this goes even deeper than we thought

Two policemen are walking down the street and they find a mirror.

First one picks it up, looks at it and says: "Holy shit man, this dude looks so familiar."
Other one looks at it and says: "Man you're right! We better take this to the captain!"
When they come to the police station they show the mirror to the captain and ask him if he knows this man. Captain: "Of course i know him! He always sits opposite of me at the barber shop."

Two condoms are walking down the street.

And they pass a gay bar
One of them turns to the other and says.
Do you want to go in and get shit faced

Being constipated sucks

Worst part is you can't do shit about it

I've got a joke about poo with teeth marks on it.

It's a bit shit.

I just told my boss I'm fed up of working in a shit hole: the toilets are never cleaned, there's mould in the fridge, there's never any hot water and the place hasn't been hoovered once

Apparently he can't do anything about it if I work from home

A young, extremely perky woman gets into an elevator with an older man...

The woman smiles broadly and says, "TGIF"!

The man slowly turns to her and deadpans, "S.h.i.t."

The woman, thinking that he didn't hear her, slowly repeats "T.G.I.F."

He simply responds, "S.h.i.t.", just as slowly.

Exasperated, she laughs and says, "TGIF stands for Thank God It's Friday!, Silly!"

The man replies, "I know that but Sorry Honey, It's Thursday."

I have 100% legit proof that masks don't do shit!

My wife went on a trip to her sister's.
On the plane they made her wear a mask.
Didn't do shit - she got chlamydia anyway!

I recently learned how to swallow a rope and have it come out the other end tied up in a bow.

I shit you knot.

A man defecated in an elevator

He took shit to another level

I'll never forget my grandpas last words.

Stop shaking the ladder you little shit!

Funny joke (i hope so)

Patient: hey doc i take shit every morning at 8 o'clock
Doctor: that's awesome what's wrong?
Patient:i wake up at 9 o'clock

What's the difference between a fairy tale and a redneck tale?

Fairy tales begin with "Once upon a time...", while redneck tales begin with "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."

Just a little update on the situation with my son because some of you have been fairly concerned.

He has taken going to jail pretty hard. He is refusing all food, spitting and screaming at everyone and is threatening violence at anyone who comes near him. He has smeared the walls with his shit and is refusing to wear any clothes.

As a family we are united in our decision not to play Monopoly with him ever again.

If I become Pope, the first thing I will do is

shit in the woods

I saw a man beating the shit out of a little kid, so I stopped to help

The kid didn't stand a chance

Today at the zoo I was let into the Lion enclosure

I said to the lion handler Why do I do if the lion tries to attack me?

He replied Don't be afraid it's very simple, if the lion charges you, reach behind your back, grab a pile of shit off the ground and throw it in the lions face

I said to him But what if I reach behind me and there is no pile of shit on the ground?

To which the lion handler said Don't worry it'll be there

So a cowboy parks his horse at the saloon, ties him to the outside, kisses him on the ass, and walks in to have a stiff drink.

The bar keeper saw this happen, and he just had to ask. "Why'd ya kiss your horse on the ass before coming in? You got shit all over your lips!" The cowboy, cool as can be, takes a stiff drink before answering. "It's 'cuz I got chapped lips." The bartender was even more confused; "Horse manure helps with chapped lips?"

"Nah," says the cowboy. "But it keeps me from lickin' 'em"

What do you call someone who questions everything and is full of shit?

A skeptic tank

Did you hear the one about the constipated detective?

They call him a "no shit Sherlock".

I refer to my ex-wife as "the plunger"

She just brings up old shit

NATO is like a health insurance...

You want to have it before shit happens, but they wouldn't let you have it because of the pre-existing conditions.

My son told me that he wanted to be Batman when he grows up.

The little shit wants me to be gunned down in an alley.

A vacuum cleaner salesman came to my door, poured a bag of dog shit on my carpet and said, "Sir, if this vacuum can't clean it completely, I'll eat whatever's left."

I said, "I hope you're hungry 'cause they cut off the electricity this morning."

What happened to the Pope after he went to Mount Olive?

Popeye beat the shit out of him

This guy right here is a trisexual

He'll try anything three times.

*heard this in a literal bar with a drunk hill billy guy giving some guy shit. I had a good laugh*

My girlfriend is addicted to eating guano.

She's bat shit crazy.

What did Yoda say after cutting in line to go to the bathroom?

I shit you not.

What do you call the same shit every morning?

déjà poo

I'm in a band called Dyslexia.

We've just released our Greatest Shit album.

When my son got bad grades, I didn't tell him off, I just asked him if he was constipated

He just didn't seem to give a shit

My son accidentally pooped in the Holy Water

All I could say was Holy Shit

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